New Year Wishes

We should not look upon the Old Year as an ending, but rather look toward the New Year as a beginning for new chances to get things right. Have a blessed 2010. Happy New Year Everyone!

TS forgot something

TS forgot to include Little Bit telling her mom, "That was not in my plans" when she learned they were taking the Christmas tree down. This was after she had said, somewhat disbelievingly, "You're kidding!" when Mom explained they couldn't leave the tree up because it was going to die and would lose all its needles. Sometimes she sounds like 3 going on 43...

A simple prayer

My three-year-old's prayer last night: "Dear Jesus, please tell Santa Claus I know he's busy, but I think he forgot to bring me a Shaggy doll for Christmas. If he has a chance, I'd really really 'ppreciate it. Thank you, Jesus. AMEN!"

I've Still Got it (I think)!

This was published in The Telfair Enterprise in July 2005. It, along with the one about the dead bird, are two of the most commented on columns I've written and people still mention them to me even now.

I’ve Still Got It (I think)!

Like most people my age, I cannot do a lot of things as easily as I used to (if at all) and I worry as I get older about being able to take care of myself.

For instance, I can no longer rise from the floor to a standing position without holding onto anything.

Heck, since arthritis jumped on me with both feet about 15 years ago, I am just happy to get up period without calling for a wrecker for assistance.

However, I learned last week that I can do things in the dark of night that, if asked about in the light of day, I would have sworn I could not do.

An illness in our family has necessitated several trips to Atlanta recently and our children have graciously allowed us to spend nights with them and to bring our dog, Nickson, along.

Last week, my daughter and son-in-law had the dubious pleasure of hosting us. They too have pets but I am not so sure it is an asset in this case.

Their mixed terrier, Rusty, is similar in temperament to our Jack Russell terrier, Nickson, and they get along well. On the surface, it seems like a perfect match.

Wrong.

Both dogs are seniors but when you put them together, they are like naughty pups on speed, in constant motion and running wide open.

No one sleeps because they roam the house all night and if you separate them, they scratch and whine to get to each other so much you still don’t sleep.

Popping them with your bedroom slipper only lasts a little while and is guaranteed to leave you feeling very guilty when you see four big brown eyes looking up at you accusingly.

Our visit last week coincided with Hurricane Cindy and even though Julie and Jamie’s home did not receive the brunt of it, there was a lot of rain and thunder and lighting.

Both animals are horrified of bad weather and while we were all relieved when it finally eased up, the terriers were absolutely delighted.

With their Valium wearing off, the terrible twosome were soon at it again, full steam ahead.

I tried to keep them downstairs with me so the rest of the family could sleep and it worked partially (at least for a little while).

Sometime in the wee hours of Thursday morning, Rusty came and whined in my face to be let out yet again. Nickson was standing right behind him, wagging his tail, “Me too! Me too!”

Once more, I trudged to the back door, turned them both out and waited a while. Rusty finally came back in but Nickson was nowhere to be seen.

There was a moth the size of a baseball flitting around the light just outside the door so I pulled the door partially closed when I went out to call the errant canine back inside.

Evidently, Rusty thought he might be missing something and he tried frantically to get back out.

He reared against the door and pushed it completely shut instead. That would not have been a problem, but the lock clicked on it when it closed, leaving me stranded on a very wet deck, clad only in my nightgown, at 4:00 a.m.

The temperature was still pretty warm but everything was so wet that I couldn’t even sit down and make myself comfortable.

We had a long day full of doctors’ appointments ahead and I really didn’t want to sit there until daylight anyway.

I knew if I knocked loudly, it would set the inside dogs off and wake the baby so I knocked gently several times.

When that didn’t work, I cupped my hands like a megaphone and called towards Julie’s upstairs window several times. Still no results, so I decided to go around the house and ring the doorbell.

One small problem—the gate has a padlock on it.

Resigned to my fate, I knew there was nothing else left to do and at that time of morning, no one was likely to see me make a fool of myself if it didn’t work.

Instead of my usual short summer gown, I had packed a long one so that made my task a bit more interesting.

I hiked it up around my waist, hooked my foot on the crossbar of the 6-foot gate (there is no foothold on the fence anywhere) and pulled myself to the top.

Unfortunately, there is no foothold on the front of the gate either so once I was perched on the round top of it, there was nothing to do but turn loose and hope for the best.

The thick new sod was softened by the rain so all I wound up with was a damp backside and a little bruised pride. (At my age, pride is secondary when the choice is being inside a comfortable house or sitting on a wet deck for three hours.)

Of course, the doorbell woke Julie, the dogs and the baby; but both husbands slept soundly through it all.

After the commotion died down, I learned that particular door has a nasty habit of locking itself and Julie and Jamie actually hid a key outside after locking themselves out a few times.

If I had known that though, none of this would have happened and I would still not know I haven’t completely “lost it.”

Climbing a tall fence in the middle of the night—funny, and cost only a little pride.

Knowing I still can—priceless.

A Little Christmas Humor

I goofed earlier. The food column I posted was for the 24th and this humor column was supposed to run on the 16th. My bad! Warning: This is not for anyone who considers him/herself  PC.

A little holiday humor

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer ... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~ Bill Watterson

Christmas is nearly here and if you need a break from all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and television specials, sit back and enjoy a little humor to lift your spirits. I’ve had some of these in my possession for so long that I’ve forgotten the sources but they’re still funny.

This recipe for a very “special” rum cake is guaranteed to make you relax and enjoy the holidays without out even turning on the oven.

Special Rum Cake

1 t. sugar

1 or 2 quarts of rum

1 c. dried fruit

Brown sugar

1 T. Soda

1 c. butter

2 large eggs

1 c. baking powder

3 juiced lemons

1 c. nuts

Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed. Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber. Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter). Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check run again and bo to ged. ..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!

Just in case you “eat” too much of your Special Rum Cake, this "diet" might help you get back on track.

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that tends to build up rapidly during the holidays.

Holiday Diet

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast

1 cup steamed spinach

1 cup herb tea

1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package

2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream

1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread

4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke

1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza

3 Snickers or similar candy bars

During the Late Evening News:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you dine with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes, but is not limited to, Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. And even if they did, the calories would all go to your feet and get walked off

12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)

13. Food eaten at Christmas parties has zero calories, courtesy of Santa.

14. Don’t forget that STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS!

Christmas isn’t Christmas with music but if you are tired of the same old carols, check this interesting list for a new take on old favorites

Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

1. SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. MULTI LE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

4. NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

6. PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

7. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

8. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

9. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)

10. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

11. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

In conclusion, allow me to share with you this litte ditty to sing after Christmas.

The Twelve Days After Christmas

The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love,

my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas

I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks

of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love,

my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas

My mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French hens

To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake

For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake

and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas

The six laying geese wouldn't lay

So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the

A.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found

The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned

My true love, my true love,

my true love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas

Before they could suspect

I bundled up the

Eight maids-a-milking

Nine ladies dancing

Ten lords-a-leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the dancing ladies -

And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love

"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

A Few Reflections & Good Wishes

It’s been a year since I made my “escape” from McRae and so much has happened since then that sometimes it feels a little like a dream. I like my life now and my only regret is that I didn’t do it more than 40 years ago. Perhaps there are reasons still unfathomed though.

If I had left then, I would not have my beautiful daughter and her wonderful husband, nor these two precious granddaughters in my life. I continue to be amazed at them every time we’re together. They were playing this afternoon, chattering nonstop, when I heard the three-year-old telling her sister that a gargoyle was trying to catch them. (I really don’t remember my children being this smart!)

I’m grateful for the time I can spend with them. Some days I’m grateful to be going home but sympathize with TH for having to stay. Fortunately, that isn’t too often.

To my friends online and off: I wish you a wonderful Christmas and the most phenomenal New Year ever. Let us remember those for whom this is not a happy time whether it be because of illness, death, divorce, financial problems, or for whatever reason, then count our own blessings thrice. Merry Christmas, everyone.

It's (almost) Christmas!

It's Christmas and we are giving thanks that the girls are feeling  much better. I came out early so Mom and Dad could escape for a little while. I do remember what it was like to be cooped up with sick children and know how claustrophobic that can get to be!

They're both so excited about Santa coming tonight and terribly distracting right now so I will have to wait until tonight to finish posting. Before I sign off though, I'm pasting a poem about my cooking experience last night. (The kids thought it was funny.)

T’was the night before Christmas Eve
and Santa was appalled
at what Judy muttered to herself
as she scrubbed cooked carrots
from off the wall.
A few more like that
he said in his report,
and tomorrow night
I can cut my trip short!

Pluses and Minuses

My first tree in a really long time. I didn't get the limbs very straight (because of the splint on my thumb) but it looks much prettier than it appears in the picture. Santa does need to add a few extra gifts beneath it though.




The good news first. I actually put up a Christmas tree for the first time in seven years, and the roof hasn't caved in yet! I had a weak moment when I found a small Cashmere Pine that was half price. Of course, by the time I bought enough purple and silver ornaments to decorate it, it wasn't much of a bargain. At least it was prelit so that saved a little. On second thought, if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have bought it and would have saved a lot more.

The second good  news item is that I get my stitches out Wednesday so I can finally take a long hot bath without trying to keep my thumb dry. It's really hard to enjoy a good soak when you have to keep something besides your head out of the water.

Plus and minus, Little Bit is feeling better but her big sister is sick too. The pediatrician said the little one has pneumonia, croup, and an ear infection and Roo is "about two days behind her." At least they aren't in the hospital and just crossing our fingers for them to be well enough to enjoy Santa this year. It won't be long before Roo stops believing and I want her to enjoy it as long as she can.

I guess when it rains, it pours. Maybe it will pour blessings next time.

Admit it

Admit it, TS. You know your house is never silent whether it's Christmas or not. With two active children and two rambunctious dogs, there's always something going on.

My thumb is improving daily so maybe son #2 can go back to his normal routine after the first of the year. I'm sure Little Bit wouldn't mind being with me if she absolutely has to. Just wishing she is well in time for Santa Claus. Somehow, it doesn't seem fair to be sick at Christmas. Who wants antibiotics in their stockings!

I'm looking forward to being with the girls at Christmas. Christmas just seems better when there are small (appreciative) children there to share it with. Wish our family from South Georgia could be here too. I miss our annual gatherings.

I'm trying not to overuse my thumb so more thoughts, hopefully more interesting ones, later...

Silent Night, my foot!

Okay, I want to know what all this silent night, peace on earth stuff that I keep hearing on the radio is all about, 'cause obviously it is not happening at my house. With DH working second shift and now taking on an independent extended outside project to make some extra cash, combined with my part-time job and Roo's school, etc., there is not much silent or peaceful around here. I'm glad Christmas is right around the corner, because as much as I adore the preparations and excitement surrounding it, I'm getting a little worn out. Little Bit is sick again, apparently with the virus that's infected several kids in our neighborhood and that she picked up at a recent birthday gathering, and was awake night before last from 10:30 until almost 2:00...then back up again at 7:00...still recovering from that one...DH's grandfather is not doing well, actually so poorly that his grandmother told us to be sure our funeral clothes are ready, so we're kind of always on edge, half expecting to get that phone call summoning us to Louisiana.

With Mom's surgery and the other grandmother in Louisiana for the past month, we have decided to try DH working second shift for now & keeping Little Bit while I work three 1/2 days a week, which is actually working out well for the most part. The downside is that he hardly sees Roo and that we kind of feel like ships passing in the night, with neither of us getting a break, much less any amount of time together. Still, I'm truly grateful that his employer is working with him and that he has a job, esp. with the economy. If nothing else, the stresses of the last two years have shown me that we can and will work together for the betterment of our family, and that is beyond value.

A Blast From the Past

This is an article I wrote for the paper in February 2005. I still get comments on it occasionally even though it has been nearly five years since it was published.

THE MEMORY LINGERS ON

(….and on and on)

We had an interesting day at our house last weekend (January 29)—or at least I did. I call it that for lack of a better description.

I had planned for several days to leave for Atlanta that particular morning but the winter storm that slammed most of Georgia with a thick coat of ice made me reconsider.

I was disappointed and aggravated too because I had to postpone my trip and was not going to be able to spend much time with my children. Between roofers hammering on our house for most of the week and discovering the freezer had died and left me with a chest full of rotten food, I was more than ready for a break.

I am truly glad now that I did not leave home at the time I originally intended to do so.

While I am not saying that God brought the ice storm just to keep me home, I do feel He had a hand in saving me from what surely would have been a catastrophe. Maybe He felt sorry for me after the freezer calamity but I am thankful, nonetheless.

Knowing what I would have found when I returned home on Monday, I have no reservations in saying I would have had to move out of the house for quite a while if I had left on Saturday as planned.

It’s funny now but I can assure you, it was definitely not very funny then—at least the preliminary part was not.

My husband and children always joke that I can smell things when no one else does. They joke about birddog noses, etc. but it is often true even if they do ignore me when I complain. Bo rarely ignores me in these instances but even if he does, he usually respects my “scents-ability,” and wisely doesn’t dispute it when I say something stinks.

For most of Friday, I had complained that something smelled funny in our bedroom but I couldn’t find anything that could be creating the problem. Not surprisingly, Bo swore he couldn’t “smell a thing.”

Late that evening, I started to retire for the night when my olfactory senses were criminally assaulted at the bedroom door. Since it was after midnight and Bo was comfortably ensconced with tons of covers in his favorite recliner, I retreated to the den for the night.

Let me note here that he sleeps in his chair when he has breathing problems or, as in this case, an injured shoulder kept him from lying down. (It is essential to the story to explain this, especially as his shoulder was acting up and he had spent the past couple of nights there.)

The next morning, I told him we had to find whatever was stinking up the house. His sense of smell is notoriously bad but by then even he acknowledged he could smell it “a little.” As nasally impaired as he is, I knew if he could smell it, then it was every bit as awful, if not worse, than I first thought. He halfway looked around but soon left for work, leaving me alone with the stink-detective job.

I searched everywhere I thought it might be coming from as well as some places I didn’t, but no luck. I even got down on the floor with the flashlight and looked under the bed because our Jack Russell Terrier had brought a dead bird into the house earlier in the week. He tends to do this occasionally this time of year when large numbers of Goldfinches winter at our feeders, so it would not have been a shock to find one under there with his tiny feet turned up.

Nothing there but some old shoes and even my feet don’t smell that bad!

I kept going back to the recliner where Bo slept because it seemed stronger in that area but I still could not find the source. I picked up the throws and blankets he keeps there but they seemed okay, no obvious evidence in sight. By that time, I was beginning to doubt my own abilities a bit, but not enough to think I was imagining something that malodorous.

I Lysol™ed everything in the bedroom and saturated Bo’s chair and covers more than once. By then, I was burning more candles than certain church services do, trying to get rid of, or at least mask the smell.

When Bo came home for lunch, I told him I was sure that whatever it was had to be coming from somewhere around his chair because it was really strong in that area. Again, he swore he had not smelled anything until that morning and all he could smell now was candles and fabric spray.

After he went back to work, I decided to wash the blankets he had been using even though I didn’t believe they were the culprits. The spraying and candles had helped, but my stomach was still doing cartwheels every time I went near the bedroom and I was desperate enough to try anything by that time.

I took all the covers off the chair and found nothing. I looked over and under the chair again and found nothing more than the noxious scent itself. Then, I removed the beach towel Bo keeps spread over the seat of his chair.

On the seat, underneath the towel, was a very dead and very ripe Goldfinch. S/he was also very flat because Bo had been sitting on him for at least one night, and probably more.

When I uncovered the poor creature, the odor hit the room full blast. Believe me, it could easily have gagged a mule with a strong stomach.

In the meantime, our angelic pup was watching very placidly as I alternately wretched, threatened, and complained vividly. The way he watched so intently as I spent more than half a day searching should have told me he was at the bottom of this even if past experiences hadn’t.

He didn’t move an inch as I put the bird in a bag and took him out to the trash, not even when I dropped the poor thing in the process. When I got back inside though, this dog had gone somewhere else in the house and brought out another dead Goldfinch and laid him neatly in the middle of our den rug.

I guess he figured if I could find one he had hidden that well, he would just give me the other one. Thank goodness for that!

I still take a test-sniff when I come home though.

And I still pat the recliner seat occasionally—just in case.

This mischievous canine has lived with us most of his nine and a quarter years and we will keep him, but I am considering closing up his doggy door if he keeps hiding his dead bounty in the house. I am also considering having Bo’s sinuses Roto-Rooted™!

Public Service

As a favor for anyone facing surgery on their dominant hand, I would like to perform a public service by sharing this very important list of tips on what to look forward to. These suggestions are predicated on basic requirements of keeping said hand dry and fully protected from bumping, banging, squeezing, or any type of pressure and are listed in no particular order of importance. Please note too that all of these are not necessarily bad such as sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning. etc. but are included for informational purposes.

In view of my personal history and experience as well as the recent surgery on my right thumb, I feel I am more than qualified to make these observations. I also reserve the right to add more to this list as they come to mind. Please feel free to share this register with any others you think may benefit from it. There is no charge for use.

A partial list of impossible and nearly impossible tasks for right-handed people to do with their left hands, vice versa for lefties:

• Uncork a bottle of wine.
• Unscrew caps from bottled water.
• Open a soft drink.
• Remove tops from peanut butter jars.
• Open bags of chips, etc.
• Open crackers or any other type package.
• Opening any other cans/jars/bottles.
• Use a grater without severely damaging your good hand.
• Cook anything that involves handling hot dishes/food.
• Comb/shampoo/style your hair.
• Put makeup on evenly.
• Button your blouse, slacks, etc.
• Zip anything with a balky zipper.
• Zip anything with a good zipper.
• Tie your shoes.
• Dress/undress in less than twice the length of time it usually takes.
• Use aerosol containers like hair spray safely.
• Clean/insert contact lenses.
• Trim your nails.
• File your nails.
• Brush your teeth thoroughly.
• Floss your teeth at all.
• Eat soup or anything with lots of liquid content, using non-dominant hand.
• Use a knife.
• Use a fork.
• Use chopsticks. (This is fudging a little because I can't do that with my right hand either.)
• Wrap Christmas/birthday/or whatever occasion gifts.
• Tie a ribbon firmly around a package.
• Curl ribbons with scissors.
• Use scissors or kitchen shears.
•  Decorate a Christmas tree.
• Shave your legs or underarms without slicing or dicing skin.
• Hold/sort playing cards.
• Shuffle playing cards.
• Press those tiny little buttons on your telephone accurately.
• Use those annoying credit card scanners where you have to push the card in and pull it out instead of zipping it through a slider.
• Type with any degree of accuracy and speed.
• Write/sign anything.
• Dig an object from the bottom of your purse, a drawer, etc.
• Turn a key in a door.
• Hold an umbrella as well as purse, packages, etc. at the same time.
• Sweep.
• Vacuum.
• Dust.
• Any cleaning that involves scrubbing or bearing down hard.
• Hand wash dishes.
• Shopping for anything heavier than a loaf of bread or more than a few small items at the same time.
• Slap someone silly no matter how tempting.
• Last but not least, maybe even considered a little vulgar by some (but hopefully not offensive), learning to wipe your bum with your non-dominant hand is probably the ultimate challenge! 

Telfair Enterprise Food Column for December 24

Cran-Rasp-Spin Salad is not only good for you but is also an attractive addition to a menu.

Lime Chiffon Pie makes a light ending for any meal but is especially good with seafood

Time to Pay the Piper

(Healthy Holiday Alternatives)

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

~ Orson Welles

By the time you are read this, the holidays will over, or close to it, and it’s time to repair some of the damage we have done by overindulging in all the rich goodies so prevalent this time of the year. This is often a painful process but perhaps some of the following recipes will make it less excruciating.

I’ve included low calorie salads as well as low calorie dressings if you prefer to make your own salad. Of course we all know that fresh fruit is the best dessert but some times it’s just not enough to satisfy that sweet craving so I’ve included some more decadent (in taste only) ones here. Hopefully, they can satisfy that persist yen that seems to keep popping up over and over.

**********

Salmon & Grapefruit Steaks

1 T. olive oil

1-1/2 c. finely chopped onions

1 c. fresh grapefruit juice and segments

4 6-oz.e boneless, skinless salmon steaks

Fresh grapefruit segments for garnish

Heat olive oil in large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add onions and cook until tender. Place salmon and grapefruit juice with segments in pan, cover and simmer over low heat for 6-8 minutes or until fish is done. Put steaks on warm plates, divide pan juices over them equally and garnish with grapefruit segments. 4 servings

Oatmeal Banana Bread

2 c. uncooked oatmeal

1 c. Splenda

1 t. baking soda

1 t. baking powder

1/2 t. salt

3 eggs

3 ripe bananas

1 t. vanilla

1 c. chopped walnuts, opt.

Preheat oven to 350° F. Put dry ingredients in a blender or food processor. Add eggs, bananas and vanilla and blend or process until smooth. Stir in nuts, pour batter into a greased loaf pan and bake for 45 minutes or until a wooden pick tests clean. Serves 8.

Cran-Rasp-Spin Salad

1 10-oz. pkg frozen red raspberries in syrup, thawed

1/4 c. sugar

2 t. cornstarch

1/2 c. cranberry-raspberry juice cocktail

1/4 cup red wine vinegar

1/4 teaspoon celery seed

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1 10-oz. pkg. fresh spinach, stems removed and torn

1/3 c. broken walnuts

1/4 c. dried cranberries

2 T. sunflower seeds

3 green onions, thinly sliced

Dressing: In a blender container or food processor bowl cover and blend or process raspberries till smooth; strain through a sieve to remove seeds. Discard seeds.

In a medium saucepan stir together sugar and cornstarch; stir in strained raspberries, and stir over medium heat till thickened and bubbly; cook and stir for 2 minutes more. Transfer to nonmetal container. Cover and chill until serving time.

Salad: In a salad bowl toss together spinach, walnuts, dried cranberries, sunflower seeds, and green onions. Drizzle with half of the dressing. Cover and chill remaining dressing in a non-metal container for up to a week to use in other vegetable or fruit salads.

Fig & Mango Salad

Vinaigrette:

3 T. olive oil

2 T. fresh lemon juice

2 T. chopped fresh chives

1/4 t. ground black pepper

1/8 t. salt

Salad:

6 c. torn mixed salad greens

6 large fresh figs, quartered lengthwise

1 medium mango, seeded, peeled, and cut into chunks

Vinaigrette: Combine olive oil, lemon juice, chives, pepper and salt in a covered container. Shake well and set aside.

Salad: Toss together salad greens, figs and mango chunks in a large bowl and drizzle with vinaigrette. Toss gently to coat and serve. Not an ordinary salad but extraordinary delicious.

Wrapped Salad

2 8-in. whole grain, whole wheat, or flour tortillas

3/4 c. shredded romaine and/or fresh spinach

1/2 an avocado, halved, seeded, peeled, and sliced

1/4 of a cucumber, halved lengthwise, seeded, and thinly sliced

1/4 c. shredded Monterey Jack cheese with jalapeño peppers

Salsa, opt.

On each tortilla, layer romaine, avocado, cucumber, and cheese. Roll up tightly. If desired, halve tortillas diagonally. Wrap each tightly with plastic wrap. Chill for up to 6 hours. Delicious as is or serve with salsa.

Chicken Salad with Mango Vinaigrette

Salad:

2 medium mangoes

1/2 t. curry powder

1/4 t. coarsely ground black pepper

1/8 t. salt

12 oz. skinless, boneless chicken breast halves

6 c. torn mixed greens

1/2 of a medium cantaloupe, seeded and cubed

1 c. raspberries

1 small apple, cored and sliced

Mango Vinaigrette:

2 T. rice or white wine vinegar

2 t. honey

1 t. Dijon-style mustard

Garnish:

2 green onions, thinly bias-sliced

Pit, peel and cut manges into 1-inch cubes. Measure one cup mango cubes for use in the vinaigrette and set aside remaining mango cubes aside for salad.

Combine curry powder, pepper and salt in a small dish, mixing well. Sprinkle chicken evenly with curry mixture and rub in with your fingers. Broil or grill chicken until tender and no longer pink, turning once. Let cool chicken slightly before slicing into 1/4-inch-wide strips.

Arrange greens on four dinner plates and top with chicken strips, cantaloupe, raspberries, apple slices and reserved mango cubes. Drizzle with Mango Vinaigrette and garnish with green onion slices.

Vinaigrette: In a blender or food processor, combine one cup mango cubes, 3 tablespoons orange juice, 2 tablespoons rice vinegar or white wine vinegar, 2 teaspoons honey and 1 teaspoon Dijon-style mustard. Cover and blend or process until smooth. Pour into a covered container and chill until serving time, up to 2 hours.

Maple-Balsamic Vinaigrette

2 T. extra virgin olive oil

2 T. balsamic vinegar

2 t. pure maple syrup

2 t. Dijon style mustard

Sea Salt & freshly ground black pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in a small bowl and whisk until well blended or alternately, combine ingredients in a small jar, close lid tightly and shake until completely mixed. Pour over mixed greens for a simply but delicious salad. Makes about 1/3 cup. Calories: 45 per serving/1T.

Low Fat 1000 Island Dressing

1/3 c. low-fat mayonnaise

2 T. ketchup

2 T. fresh lemon juice

2 T. minced red bell pepper

1 T. minced onion

1 T. minced fresh parsley leaves

1 T. sweet pickle relish

Pinch of cayenne pepper

1/4 c. water

Salt to taste

Blend or process all ingredients until smooth. If dressing is too thick for your taste, you may add up to 2 tablespoons additional water to thin to desired consistency. Serve with crisp lettuce, sliced tomatoes or seafood salad. Yields 1 cup. Dressing will keep for one week if kept covered and chilled.

Yogurt Berry Smoothie

10 strawberries, hulled

25 raspberries

25 blueberries

1-1/4 cups low fat yogurt

Blend all ingredients together until smooth and drink immediately.

Alternative: Freeze overnight and next day process in a food processor until smooth for a sorbet-like dessert. You may add sugar or lemonade if desired but this takes away some of the healthy factor unless you are using sugar-free lemonade.

Baby Tiramisù

1/2 c.(4 oz.) nonfat ricotta cheese

2 T. confectioners' sugar

1/2 t. vanilla extract

1/8 t. ground cinnamon

12 ladyfingers, (about 1 3/4 ounces)

4 T. brewed espresso, or strong coffee, divided

2 T. bittersweet chocolate chips, melted

Combine ricotta, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon in a medium bowl and set aside. Place 6 ladyfingers in a 9-by-5-inch or similar size loaf pan and drizzle with 2 tablespoons espresso. Spread the ricotta mixture over the ladyfingers.

Layer remaining ladyfingers over ricotta and drizzle with the remaining 2 tablespoons espresso. Drizzle with melted chocolate and refrigerate until about 30 minutes or until chocolate is set. 6 servings, 107 calories per serving

Lime Chiffon Pie

2/3 c. boiling water

1 3-oz. pkg. lime flavor sugar free gelatin

Ice cubes

1/2 c. cold water

2 cups thawed fat-free whipped topping

1-1/2 t. lime zest

2 T. lime juice

1 reduced-fat graham cracker crumb crust

Place gelatin mix in large bowl, add boiling water and whish for two minutes or until mix is completely dissolved. Add enough ice to the half cup cold water to equal one 1 cup. Add iced water to gelatin mixture and stir until ice is melted. Stir in whipped topping, zest and juice. Refrigerate 15 to 20 minutes or until mixture is very thick and will mound when spooned into the crust. Chill in refrigerator for 4 hours before slicing. 8 servings, 140 calories each

Priceless

Two Barbie Dolls: $15.00

A set of Scooby-Doo and the Mystery Kids figurines: $20.00

Your three-year-old daughter wildly pushing two naked Barbies and a stuffed-in-the-trunk Shaggy in a yard-sale toy Jeep around the house, shouting, "Mama, it's those crazy Barbies, they've got Shaggy!!".......Priceless

I'm happy to report

that Mr. Murphy (of Murphy's Law fame) is alive and well and staying at my house.

My surgery went great, right thumb is still quite painful, but looking good. Yesterday the pain was pretty heavy so I decided to take some extra pain medication to relieve it but stayed within prescribed limits. Unfortunately, prescribed limits were a just a wee bit more than my system liked and I stayed up all night scratching from the reaction to it!

Today I felt pretty good and decided I could dip some cherries for a Sunday School party tomorrow evening. Should have let well enough alone. I managed to gouge a large chunk out of my left index finger with the grater. By the time I finally got it to stop bleeding, I was not in the mood and whatever Christmas spirit I had is severely wilted.

I still have a little itching so I think I shall call it a day and try to sleep it off. Good night all!

Really short entry

It's much too difficult to type with just my left hand so this posting will be very short. I had some "repair" work on my right thumb yesterday and am sporting a bulky bandage with a splint inside. Hopefully, at least the splint part will come off tomorrow. Until then, perhaps even later...

Telfair Enterprise Food Column for 12/09

Fried apple pies are a tried and true favorite of many Southerners.

Lamb tagine offers a savory alternative to the usual turkey, ham, and chicken.

Geese not alone in this boat!

Christmas was coming

The goose was getting fat

So I put it on the Atkins diet

And now it's had a heart attack!

~ Unknown

“Christmas is coming, the geese are getting fat...” ~ from an old Mother Goose rhyme

Unfortunately, the geese may not the only one who will be getting fat if most of us hold true to form with our holiday eating patterns. It’s really difficult to say no to all those delicious goodies, especially when it seems they are coming from every nook and cranny. However, there are a few things you can do to help curtail the amount you do consume.

Ø Do not try to diet during this type holiday where eating is a main focus. Maintain your weight if you can but the temptation of such an abundance of special goodies makes it next to impossible to actually lose weight during this time.

Ø Don’t starve yourself or you may find that even that fruitcake you have been using for a doorstop is starting to look good.

Ø First, do not try going “cold turkey” when it comes to holiday treats. You will feel deprived and that often leads to binging when your resistance does break down.

Ø Eat in moderation but don’t deprive yourself. Allow yourself a small sample of anything you wish but try not to overdo if you can help it. Sometimes a taste is all it takes to avoid cravings later on.

Ø Try to alter your perception of holiday meals. Think of Christmas dinner as just another meal, not a special occasion to stuff yourself. If you think it is normal to overindulge just because it is Christmas, then you probably will.

Ø Graze like Santa’s reindeer. Try to eat right and eat more often. Instead of three big meals per day, eat smaller portions of something healthy about two hours, or about six mini-meals per day.

Ø Your body will able to digest the food more easily when taken in smaller amounts and this pattern will leave you feeling satisfied instead of hungry during the entire day.

Ø Chew your food thoroughly and eat slowly. This takes even more work off your stomach, and minimizes stress on the intestines and other internal organs. You will also feel full while actually eating less.

Ø If you do give in to temptation and overeat, try to follow big meals with light cardiovascular exercise, such as walking. You will burn calories, and the increased flow of oxygen will help renew your energy.

Ø Never go to a party hungry. Eat a light, healthy snack before you go. This will help keep your blood sugar from dropping as well as curbing your appetite.

Ø Remember that alcohol stimulates the appetite and lowers your resistance to impulse eating. Alcoholic drinks are high in sugar too, adding even more calories to your intake. When you get to the party, try carrying a glass of lemon water or low calorie beverage around with you. (You will also eat less if you only have one hand free.).

Disclaimer: Remember this is more of a do-as-I-say than a do-as-I-do type article so in spite of the “good” advice above, and in complete contradiction to good common sense, I’m still going to share some shamelessly unhealthy Christmas recipes with you. If we’re going to be in the boat with the geese, we might as well enjoy the ride!

This year though, I will vary a bit with some slightly different recipes but will also include some old tried and true things we see every year. Enjoy but remember moderation (if you can).

Merry Christmas Everyone!

*********

My aunt, the late Irene Grimes Kinnett, made fried apple pies for family gatherings no matter the occasion. She too used used dried apples and one of my fondest memories is that she always made sure I got at least one. She’s been gone a really long time but I still think of her when I see or smell homemade fried apple pies.

Fried Apple Pies

10 ounces dried apples

8 cups water, divided

Granulated sugar, to taste (if desired )

2 cups canola oil

2 1/2 cups self-rising flour; more for dusting

2 t. allspice

Sugar

1/2 cup solid vegetable shortening, chilled

2/3 cup buttermilk, chilled

Confectioners' sugar, opt.

Place the apples in a large bowl. Add 6 cups cold water. Set aside to rehydrate at least 4 hours or overnight. Place the soaked apples, with any remaining liquid, in a large saucepan. Add remaining 2 cups water and allspice and sugar to taste. Bring to a boil over high heat. Reduce heat to simmer. Cook until thickened and the apples are beginning to break down, about 1 hour. Transfer to a shallow bowl to cool to room temperature. Set aside

When ready to fry the pies, heat the oil in a large heavy-duty skillet over medium heat. The temperature should read 350 degrees on a deep-fat thermometer.

Meanwhile, place the flour in a medium bowl. Using a pastry cutter or 2 knives, cut the shortening into the flour until it resembles coarse meal. Add the buttermilk and stir until dough forms. Transfer to a clean work surface lightly dusted with flour. Knead until firm.

Pull off a biscuit-size piece of dough. On the lightly floured surface, using a rolling pin, roll out the dough into a circle 4 inches across, about the size of a teacup saucer. Place 1-2 tablespoons of the room-temperature apple mixture in the center of the circle. Fold the dough over to form a half moon. Press with your fingertips to seal the edges. Dip the tines of a fork in flour, then press the tines around the edges of the dough to seal completely.

Transfer the pie to the heated oil and cook until golden brown, about 2 minutes per side. Repeat with remaining dough and apples. Dust with confectioners sugar if desired. Serve hot.

Chocolate Ice Box Pie

Crust:

24 chocolate sandwich cookies, crushed in processor

3 T. unsalted butter, melted

1/8 salt

1 t. vanilla

Preheat oven to 350. Combine all ingredients and press into a lightly greased 9-inch pie plate and bake 8 minutes. Cool. You may also use a prepared 9-inch chocolate cookie piecrust if you wish.

Filling:

1 lb. bittersweet dark chocolate

1-1/2 heavy cream, divided

1/2 c. powdered sugar

Melt chocolate with 1/2 c. cream in top of a double boiler, stirring constantly. Set aside to cool. Whip remaining 2 c. cream, gradually adding powdered sugar and beating until stiff peaks form. Fold cream into cooled chocolate, 1/3 at the time. Pour into cooled crust and chill about 4 hours or until firm. Easy but quite decadent.

If you’ve had enough turkey and/or chicken to last you for a while, maybe a Moroccan style tagine will be just what you are craving.

Lamb Tagine with Lemon and Pomegranate Couscous

For the tagine:

4 T. olive oil

8 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed

4 onions, peeled and chopped

4 t. grated, fresh ginger

1½ T. coriander seeds, crushed

3 t. ground cinnamon

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

1 7-lb shoulder of lamb, boned, fat removed and cut into 1-1/2-in cubes

2 T. tomato purée

4-1/2 lbs ripe tomatoes or 4 14-oz can tomatoes, coarsely chopped

4-5 T. honey

For the couscous:

1 large or 2 small pomegranates

1-3/4 lb couscous

6 tbsp olive oil

2 lemons, juice only

1-3/4 pints boiling chicken stock or water

Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

4 T. chopped, fresh mint or coriander

For serving:

1 lime, cut into wedges

Greek yoghurt

For the tagine: Preheat oven to 325°F. Heat a large ovenproof casserole or heavy saucepan on a medium to high heat. Add olive oil, garlic, onions, ginger and spices and season to taste with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper. Stir, then cook, covered, on a low heat for about ten minutes, until the onions are soft.

Add lamb, tomato purée, chopped tomatoes and honey to the pot and stir thoroughly. Bring to a simmer and place in the oven for 1½ hours, until the lamb is tender. Remove saucepan lid halfway through the cooking time to let the liquid reduce and thicken.

If the sauce is still a bit thin, place uncovered pot on top of the stove over medium heat. Cook and stir occasionally until liquid reduces and a thick sauce begins to appear.

For couscous: Cut pomegranates in half and scoop out the seeds with a small spoon. Remove white membrane from around the seeds and set aside.

Place couscous in a bowl and stir in olive oil and lemon juice. Pour boiling stock or water onto couscous, season to taste with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper and allow the couscous to sit in a warm place for 5-10 minutes until the liquid has been absorbed. Stir chopped herbs and pomegranate seeds into the couscous.

To serve: Place the tagine on serving plates with couscous and a wedge of lime. Serve a bowl of thick Greek yoghurt on the side.

And if you don’t want poultry or red meat, why not try a delicious seafood paella?

Seafood Paella

8 oz. onions or shallots

4 oz. celery

3 garlic cloves

1 qt. fish stock

10 oz. white wine

1/4 t. saffron

1 bay leaf

1 lb. skinless filets (cod, salmon, haddock)

4 oz. wild rice

2 oz. olive oil

12 oz. long grain rice, long-grain

Salt and pepper to taste

1 oz. butter

1 11-12 oz. jar wild mushrooms packed in oil

4 oz. brown cap mushrooms

2 bunches watercress

l lb. king prawns, peeled and cooked

Crush peeled garlic and chop the celery and the onions. Combine the fish, bay leaf, wine, saffron and stock. Heat to a boil and let stand for 10 minutes. Drain fish and reserve the liquid. Use a fork to flake fish into large pieces.

Prepare cooked wild rice in salted boiling water for about 40 minutes. Remove from the liquid and set aside. While rice is cooking sauté the garlic, celery and onions in the oil until soft. Add long-grain rice and heat for two minutes before adding the reserved fish stock. Bring to a boil, add seasoning, cover and cook at over medium heat for 30 minutes.

Melt butter in a wide metal pan and cook all the mushrooms in it for about 2 minutes Remove mushrooms and add watercress, stirring until wilted. Add prawns, fish, watercress, mushrooms and wild rice into the long-grain rice mixture and season to taste. Let stand in a warm oven for a couple of minutes before serving.

New York Apple Pecan Stuffing

3 cups chopped Jonagold apples

1/2 cup fresh apple cider

6 T. butter, divided

2/3 c. diced celery

2/3 c. diced onion

3 c. plain bread stuffing

1/8 t. sage, marjoram thyme

1 T. chopped fresh parsley

Salt and pepper to taste

1/2 c.

Melt 4 T. butter in skillet. Add celery and onions and sauté until tender. Stir in bread stuffing and set aside. Melt 2 T butter, add apple chunks and sauté until golden brown. Combine with bread mixture and add spices, nuts and cider and mix well. Stuff inside turkey or place in casserole dish and bake at 350° F for 30 minutes. This recipe provides a savory alternative or may be used in addition to the cornbread stuffing/dressing normally served with turkey here in the south.

Cream Cheese Potatoes

10 medium red-skinned potatoes

1/2 c. butter

1 t. salt (or more, to taste)

1/4 t. pepper

1 T. grated onion

1 c. scalded whole milk

1 8-oz. pkg. cream cheese

Scrub potatoes, cover potatoes with water and simmer until soft. Whip until smooth. Add other ingredients and place in a greased casserole dish and bake for 30 minutes at 325° F. Fat-free cream cheese will work in this recipe but I don’t recommend it personally.

This version of Brussels Sprouts doesn’t fall too much in the decadent category except for the addition of bacon but is an excellent variation from plain old steamed ones.

Caramelised Brussels Sprouts

1 lb. small Brussels sprouts

1/2 lb. smoked bacon, diced

2 T. olive oil, divided

2 T. butter, divided

Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Place Brussels sprouts into a pan of salted boiling water and cook until crisp tender. Remove from water with a slotted spoon and place in a bowl of icy cold water to stop the cooking process. When the sprouts are completely cool, remove from cold water and drain well before cutting each one in half.

Combine a tablespoon each of butter and olive oil in a skillet over medium heat. Add bacon and cook until golden brown. Remove the bacon from pan and let drain lightly. Add a little more butter and olive oil to pan drippings if necessary and sauté the sprouts until they are lightly caramelised. Return bacon to the pan and season to taste with salt pepper. Keep warm until ready to serve.

Hot Cinnamon Apple Cider

(Wassail)

One-half gallon cider (8 cups)

2 cups orange juice

l cup lemon juice

5 cups pineapple juice

1 t. whole cloves

2 cinnamon sticks

ombine all ingredients in a large pot and bring to a simmer. Strain and serve hot in coffee cups or mugs. This yields about 20 servings and can be spiked or not according to personal preference.

The last one, I promise!

This was the conclusion of my UK series. The other articles were adapted to include recipes so that I didn't have to write two articles a week but this is just my reflections on the visit.

Reflections

Looking back on my three-week stay in the UK, I’m more than happy that I approached the visit as I did. It was the trip of a lifetime and while I had no idea what to expect, I did know I wanted it to be a memorable one. By keeping an open mind and being willing to try new things, I learned a lot about others as well as myself and to appreciate a wide variety of things that I hadn’t tried before.

I spent a couple of days doing the tourist thing in London but getting out of the city revealed a completely different England than most of us think of when we hear “London.” It’s an interesting city to say the least and even though I really enjoyed the plays I saw there, I can honestly tell you I liked the little villages and countryside far more.

From the outset, I was impressed with the friendliness and openness of the people. They are quite straightforward. None of the little I-won’t-tell-you-how-I-really-feel-because-I-don’t-want-to-hurt-your-feelings dances we are so good at here in the South. They say what they mean without being rude and almost all of them have a wickedly funny sense of humor. And their obvious affection towards America gave this American a warm feeling indeed.

Of course, there were a few things that took a little getting used to like hot water taps on the right, pepper shakers with more holes than the salt shakers, toilets with flush handles on the left, all those roundabouts, right hand drives, driving in the left lane. Not that I tried my hand at driving but as a passenger I have to admit it felt a little strange to be sitting on the left side of the car with no steering wheel in front of me. It took at least a week before I stopped going to the right side to get in as a passenger. Even then, I still did it occasionally.

One of the things that impressed me was finding so many bookstores and the large numbers of people patronizing them, many more than I see in the US. Town Centre in Chelmsford isn’t very large but it has two of them just a couple of doors apart. The sheer number and variety of magazines and newspapers available there as well as in several other venues was amazing to this avid reader.

A system that automatically interrupts your car’s sound system and notifies of traffic problems or bad weather is also quite impressive. When the alert is over, the radio or your CD will start back where it left off with no loss to the interruption. I don’t know how they do it, but I like it.

There were many foods I had heard of (and some I hadn’t) but never tried. I learned to enjoy roasted parsnips, couscous, Sharon fruit (Israeli persimmons), fresh salmon, scones, sticky toffee puddings, just a few among them. I also found I loved teashops and pubs, both the atmosphere and the food.

Both countries speak English but England’s English is a far cry from the American version. And Southern English often falls into a category all its own. Some nuances of their language are etched into my brain permanently and my vocabulary has been enriched with interesting examples like Sat Nav (GPS), calming devices (speed bumps), dolly-bird (an attractive young woman), spanner (wrench), whilst (while), gobstruck or gobsmacked (astonished), fourways (crossroads) and so many others it would be impossible to list them here.

Most them make perfect sense when you realize what they mean. I have to admit that calming device is much more pleasing to the ear than speed bump; and aubergine sounds more appetizing than eggplant while courgette lends a more exotic image than zucchini. I must admit that Swede for rutabaga puzzled me until I learned the Swedes introduced this root veggie to England in the 1700s.

I became accustomed to seeing words with an extra “u” in them like colour, neighbour, favour, flavour, labour, and others that use “re” instead of “er” as in centre, theatre, metre, etc. etc Words like defence use “c” instead of “s” add to the color. Or should I say colour? Six months have elapsed since I was there but I still catch myself using some of those spellings from time to time.

Some familiar words and expressions but with totally different meanings in Brit-speak are: caravan (RV), jelly (gelatin dessert like Jello), surgery (doctor’s office), car silencer (muffler), central reservation (median), zebra crossing (sidewalk), dummy (pacifier), clock (odometer), lights dipped (low beams),hoover (vacuum or vacuum cleaner), made redundant (got fired). And “cats eyes” does not refer to marbles but to reflectors embedded in the tarmac (pavement).

Different pronunciations also add lots of color to the mix. There are many unfamiliar variations of familiar words. For instance, migraine has a long “e” sound (mē′grān′) but my very favorite is the way the English say aluminum. The harsh, flat sound you hear in American English becomes positively lyrical when Brits say aluminium (al-yә-‘min-nē-әm). The extra “i” makes all the difference.

There is so much to learn that it would probably take a lifetime to absorb it all. Since I only had three weeks, I soaked in all I could and derived great pleasure from just simply being there. Things that were new and unusual to me, as much of it was, were just icing on the cake.

I have no special words of wisdom to impart to anyone planning a trip to another country. If I were asked though, I would say to be yourself and accept the new people you meet at face value. As I said earlier, keeping an open mind will allow you to see more and see it in a different light than if you go with preconceived ideas and opinions. Most of all, represent yourself and our country well. Let everyone know you are proud to be an American and by the same token, show respect for the country you are visiting.

To those who have expressed such positive feelings about this series, thank you again for making this journey over the past weeks. It was a great ride and I am happy you were there to take it with me this time. Hopefully we can go somewhere again very soon.

A Voice in the Wilderness

"I'm a voice of one crying in the wilderness." I feel like John, with everyone but me deserting this blog. I know several are reading it because they've told me so but these motormouths are unnaturally quiet when it comes to contributing. It's time to speak up folks. The other readers are probably tired of hearing me!

My Christmas Gift Ideas article from The Telfair Enterprise

Spicy pomander balls create a wonderful aroma for Yuletide but can be used at any time of the year.

Ribbon tied Christmas spice bundles make colorful, fragrant Christmas gifts.

Give of Yourself this Christmas

Remember, if Christmas isn't found in your heart, you won't find it under the tree. ~ Charlotte Carpenter

The practice of giving gifts at Christmas can be traced directly to the Magi who brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh when they came to Bethlehem to greet the baby Jesus as he lay in the manger. Their gifts were emblematic of tribute, worship and the future death of Christ and while they tend to be associated more with the Feast of Epiphany on January 6, they were the real pioneers of the Yuletide gift giving tradition.

Christmas Day comes with its own message of peace for our homes, our nation and the world. Jesus taught about giving peace and happiness to others and while we cannot equal what he gave, exchanging holiday gifts is our way to give to others.

Selecting a favor for a special person can be the most delightful aspect of the Christmas season if it is given and received in the right spirit. It may be as unpretentious as a few nice flowers, a small basket of seasonal fruits, some homemade goodies, or it can be as expensive as one wishes to make it. The list is endless but ideally, the best choices will rest on the tastes of giver and receiver, their relationship, age and other personal factors. Ultimately though, it should be something the giver can afford to give and something the receiver can use.

The late journalist Oren Arnold penned a wise list of gift-giving ideas. His advice was, “To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect." And I concur heartily.

Appropriate gifts given in the right spirit, however small or simple they may seem, add to the effervescence of the day. Or they should anyway. I’ve never believed in giving something for the sheer sake of giving nor do I think anyone should go into debt to try to please and/or impress someone else. If they are not already impressed with you, you certainly can’t buy it with material stuff. Most of all, I don’t believe in giving a present with the expectation of receiving one in return. That is so wrong in so many ways! You should give for the sheer joy of giving or not give at all.

With the current state of the economy, most of us need to make the best use of our money but we don’t have to forgo tradition completely. It’s better to give a one-dollar gift someone can use than a fifty-dollar one that will be put on the shelf. It’s always a good idea to look towards something you create yourself. These are more thoughtful, affordable and useful. Your friends will appreciate your effort and love you for remembering them. The others don’t count.

It isn’t too early to start working on self-created gifts ~ those truly from your heart. The following suggestions are thoughtful, easier on the budget and should work equally well for those difficult to decide for, those who are not physically able to prepare complicated recipes or do not like cooking just for themselves or those you want to know you haven’t forgotten them.

*********

Spiced tea mixes have been around for a very long time. Liquid versions are easy to make but they do not have a long shelf life and I recommend this for gift giving so its recipient does not have to use it in a hurry. I recall a customer on my mail route at Eastman giving me a large container of this for Christmas about 20 years ago and it lasted a long time. It’s tried and true, easy to prepare and as good as ever.

Friendship Tea

1/2 c. instant tea powder

1 c. orange flavored drink mix

1 c. sweetened lemonade mix

1-3/4 c. sugar

1/2 t. cloves

1/2 t. cinnamon

Combine all ingredients together and store in an airtight container. To serve, add 3 to 4 teaspoons to one cup of hot water and stir well. This was originally made with Tang and while I’m sure other brands will do just fine, that’s the flavor I remember most.

For gifting: Fill a jar with the mixture, tie a pretty bow around it and attach instructions for gift appreciated by most spicy tea aficionados.

Vanilla sugar also makes a nice gift. I keep a vanilla bean in my sugar canister all the time but for those who don’t, you might want to give them a small amount so they can see how good it really is. You need to make this early to let the flavors blend. If you don’t have time, be sure to tell the recipient to let it rest a few days before using.

Vanilla Sugar

1 fresh vanilla bean

3 c. white sugar

Cut a vanilla bean into 1-inch pieces. Combine and store in airtight container. When you dip it into containers to share, leave the bean pieces in the sugar to help retain the flavor. This is great for baking or decorating or just to stir into steaming mugs of coffee or tea. You can easily multiply this just by remembering to use one bean per 3 cups of sugar. For stronger taste, add more beans.

Cocoa Mix with Marshmallows

1 25-oz. pkg. nonfat dried milk

1-1/2 cups non-dairy coffee creamer, about 6 ounces

3 c. instant chocolate drink mix

1-1/2 c. powdered sugar

1-1/2 cups miniature marshmallows

Combine all ingredients and store in an airtight container. Yield: 16 cups. This is enough mix for 4 one-quart jars or 8 1-pint jars or it may be split into smaller portions and packed in seasonal packaging or mugs. Include these directions with each gift: Combine 1/2 cup of mix with 1 cup of boiling water. Stir and serve.

Malted Chocolate Drink Mix

1 25-oz. pkg. nonfat dried milk

6 c. mini-marshmallows

1 16-oz. pkg. instant cocoa mix for milk

1 13-oz. pkg. malted milk powder

1 c. sifted powdered sugar

1 6-oz. pkg. non-dairy creamer

1/2 t. salt

Mix all ingredients together in a large bowl. Store in an airtight container in a cool place. Yields 20 cups. For 10 gifts, divide equally in 10 bags or decorative containers. Attach following instructions to bag: Pour 6 oz. hot water over 1/2 c. of mix. Stir and serve.

Peach Crumb Cake would be a nice gift for a larger family or if the recipient is expecting guests. It makes too much for just one or two people but leftovers could be frozen for later use.

Peach Crumb Cake

3/4 c. sugar

3/4 c. quick oats

3/4 c. brown sugar

2 c. flour

2 t. baking powder

1/2 t. salt

Layer ingredients in the order given into a wide mouth quart-size, packing each layer into place before adding the next ingredient. Attach a gift tag with a can of peach pie filling and the following mixing instructions:

Instructions:

1 jar Peach Crumb Cake Mix

3/4 c. butter or margarine, melted

1 29-oz. can peach pie filling

Empty contents of jar into a mixing bowl, stirring to combine. Melt butter and stir into dry ingredients to form a crumbly mixture. Press half of the crumbs into a greased 9 x 13 inch pan and top with peach pie filling. Sprinkle remaining crumb mixture over filling. Bake in preheated over @ 350 for 30-35 minutes.

Chocolate Spoons

20 heavy-duty plastic spoons

4 oz. semisweet or dark chocolate baking bar, chopped

2 T. heavy cream

1 T. chocolate or almond flavored liqueur

4-6 oz. vanilla flavored candy coating, melted, opt.

Line a cookie sheets or flat pans with waxed paper and set aside. Combine chocolate baking bar, cream and liqueur in a 1-cup glass measuring cup. Microwave on 50% power for one minute, stirring halfway through, until melted and of desired consistency.

Dip spoons in melted chocolate so that the bowl of each one is completely covered. Allow excess to drip off and lay on waxed paper. Place in freezer for 15 minutes to allow chocolate to set. If desired, drizzle spoons with melted white chocolate for extra decoration.

Wrap spoons individually in plastic wrap and tie with ribbon. Ribbon that can be curled looks good on these. To use, place the spoon into coffee and stir until chocolate is melted. Note: This recipe is not necessarily one for a budget but good for someone you know is a real chocoholic. It can be given alone or packed with hot cocoa or coffee mixes and a seasonal mug.

For those cold days ahead, a quick soup mix will be welcome. You may use different spices as you prefer, but follow the same measurements for major ingredients.

Potato Soup Mix

1-3/4 c. instant mashed potatoes

1-1/2 c. dry milk

2 T. instant chicken bullion

2 t. dried minced onion

1 t. dried parsley

1/4 t. ground white pepper

1/4 t. dried thyme

1-1/2 t. seasoning salt

Dash of t. turmeric, opt.

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix. Store in airtight jars. Makes 6 individual servings. Attach these instructions to gift jars: Add 1/2 c. mix to a soup bowl, pour 1 c. of boiling water over mix, and stir until smooth.

Pudding mix is good to have on hand for quick and individual desserts. I have other flavors but since I have been known to overdo chocolate recipes, I will share a different flavor.

Coconut Cream Pudding

3 c. nonfat dry milk

4 c. sugar

1 t. salt

3 c. cornstarch

1 t. coconut extract

1-1/2 c. shredded unsweetened coconut

Combine milk, sugar, salt and cornstarch in a small bowl. Add coconut extract and continue mixing until flavoring is completely absorbed. Stir in coconut and store mix in airtight containers. Attach these instructions: Add 2/3 c. mix to 2 c. milk. Heat and stir constantly until it reaches a rolling boil. Cool and serve.

Christmas Spice Bundles

4 cinnamon sticks

2 t. ground allspice

2 t. ground ginger

20 whole cloves

2 T. pickling spice

Dried orange and or lemon peel, opt.

Tie the spices into bundles for mulling cider or place in a decorative jar and attach a card with these directions: Pour spices into a kettle or pan, add a quart of water and cook until hot. Turn heat to low and simmer for slowly until you house smells nice and Christmassy. These spice bundles are versatile and these can be used either in a beverage or as potpourri.

Even though you don’t see very many old fashioned Pomander Balls anymore, they really add a fragrant holiday aroma when placed around one’s home. (Remember though that while they are made from food items, they are not edible.) The amount of fruit needed will depend on how many of these you want to make.

Directions for Pomander Balls

Oranges

Lemons

Limes

Whole cloves

Nail or skewer

Ground cinnamon

Arrowroot

These emit a wonderful holiday scent when placed around and also make excellent decorations or centerpieces. First, cover thin-skinned firm oranges, lemons or limes with whole cloves, using a nail or skewer to start holes for cloves. Add row after row until fruit is completely covered.

Combine 1 t. ground cinnamon and 1 t. arrowroot and roll clove-studded fruit in mixture. Allow to dry for two weeks. Note: You should use more than one variety of fruit for different sizes if you plan to use these in a centerpiece or on a wreath.

A peach crumb cake under construction.