A little holiday humor
Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer ... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ~ Bill Watterson
Christmas is nearly here and if you need a break from all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and television specials, sit back and enjoy a little humor to lift your spirits. I’ve had some of these in my possession for so long that I’ve forgotten the sources but they’re still funny.
This recipe for a very “special” rum cake is guaranteed to make you relax and enjoy the holidays without out even turning on the oven.
Special Rum Cake
1 t. sugar
1 or 2 quarts of rum
1 c. dried fruit
Brown sugar
1 T. Soda
1 c. butter
2 large eggs
1 c. baking powder
3 juiced lemons
1 c. nuts
Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed. Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary. Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber. Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter). Sample rum. Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake. Check run again and bo to ged. ..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL! Just in case you “eat” too much of your Special Rum Cake, this "diet" might help you get back on track.
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that tends to build up rapidly during the holidays.
Holiday Diet
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers or similar candy bars
During the Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for this Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda. 3. When you dine with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes, but is not limited to, Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass. And even if they did, the calories would all go to your feet and get walked off
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!)
13. Food eaten at Christmas parties has zero calories, courtesy of Santa.
14. Don’t forget that STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS!
Christmas isn’t Christmas with music but if you are tired of the same old carols, check this interesting list for a new take on old favorites
Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged:
1. SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. MULTI LE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. NARCISSISTIC: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .
6. PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
7. PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
8. DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
9. OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, ........ (better start again)
10. PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)
11. BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
In conclusion, allow me to share with you this litte ditty to sing after Christmas.
The Twelve Days After Christmas
The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake
For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake
and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found
The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned
My true love, my true love,
my true love gave to me.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the dancing ladies -
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
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