Oops!

I got the cart before the horse with my last posting. That was the intro to the series from my journal but the first thing I actually wrote was a tongue-in-cheek article written like a letter to the staff of the paper, using British terminology and spellings, mixed with Americanese. It should have been printed first but better late than never I suppose.

Back in the USA

Dear Don, Donna, Jennifer and Debbie,

I’m writing to let you know that I’m back from jolly old England. I had a wonderful visit and some of my Atlanta friends even say I talk funny now. That gobsmacked me at first but I’m sure they are joking. I really don’t think I picked up any British speech characteristics in just three weeks. As a matter of fact, I know bugger all about many of their terms. I did have a cracking good time even though some days were a bit windy, typical March weather anywhere. Richard’s new boiler works well and we found it easy to keep snugging though.

I tried to ring you let you know I will be writing more about my trip soon but your line was engaged and your call minder didn’t pick up either. The aeroplane landed early but we had to find a trolley for my heavy luggage. Luckily, the queues at Heathrow weren’t very long and we didn’t have a long wait to exit. The drive to Chelmsford was sunny and pleasant, very pretty too. We stopped on the way for tea and a sandwich and to let me stretch my legs a little. There were a lot of coaches and lorries on the road and I found the anticlockwise roundabouts confusing but Richard is a good driver and manoeuvred them easily. Fortunately, there were no diversions on the motorway and free recovery in the construction zones minimised danger for motorists. It would take a long time for me to get a licence to drive there!

Things are still sixes and sevens around here and I have lots to catch up with here before I can even begin to transcribe my journal. Julie and the girls came to visit yesterday and whilst things were mostly tickety boo, the youngest one was a bit off colour and had a right fair strop before they left.

I should go to the bank straight away since I have just a few quid in my purse. Afterwards, I’ll drive to the dry cleaners and leave my woolies, new cotton jumper and trousers to be cleaned. Before I go, I’ll toss a few bags in the boot to carry me Yorkshire Tea, Scones, Sticky Toffee Pudding, Biscuits and Sponge cakes home from the market. I do want a sweet but am not sure what I fancy right now.

Perhaps I’d better take several bags. I need enough to hold corgettes, aubergines and swedes from the green grocers and to fetch a flitch of bacon as a favour for my neighbour. I may purchase a few jellies or buy a packet of powder and make my own, just something light and colourful to have on hand for the nippers. I suppose I’d better take a brolly to shield me from these April showers.

I just hope there’ll be enough space at the pay and display car park nearby else I will have a very long walk. With the price of petrol rising, I should probably hoof it anyway. It would keep someone from scratching my wings but some places I need to go don’t have pavement and I’d have to walk in the carriageway, a dangerous undertaking with the way cars speed on roads here. If someone strike me, I’d be lucky if anyone even saw the number plate much less telephoned the old Bill.

I’ll also stop by the garage and have them check the tyres and works under the bonnet of my kev car to make sure everything is working properly before I go on holiday again. I need to take my necklace to the jewellers too but will take care of other business first.

It will be late when I finish so I’ll probably stop for a glass of Squash or cream tea and a bit of fruit before returning. Some fresh scones and hot cross buns sound good right now. I’d have a Scotch egg before I go out but I don’t eat red meat so bangers are out. I’d really have to have a savoury right now but I shall settle for a nice bowl of porridge with syrup and double cream instead.

Before I leave though, I have to push the wheelie bin and recycles to the curb for the dustman to pick up whilst I’m away. I should also ask the city to send a lorry for that old dishwasher, as there are strong penalties for fly tipping now. When I return, I will stroll to the park and watch as people go walkies with their dogs. (Some take their children too.)

I’ll close now so I can post this in the letter box downstairs. I’m running late and need to get with the programme so I can finish early enough to get back to my cosy bedsit by teatime. I’ll be on my way as soon as I spend a penny but right now I feel completely knackered just thinking about all I have to do!

Cheers for now mates. See you in a fortnight!

Judy
2 April 2009

P.S. When you’re in the area call on my mobile or knock me up. The restaurants here serve some right scrummy dishes and we can have dinner and perhaps even go to a do afterwards.

J*** ****** is a corresponding writer for The Telfair Enterprise. She recently returned from a three-week trip to Essex, England, and promises to share excerpts from her journal chronicling her “adventures” on the continent in future. She respectfully requests British readers to kindly refrain from making cheeky remarks or publicly criticising her mistakes.